I75at7AM
Champion Author
Dayton
Posts:66,505
Points:2,432,370
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Message Posted: May 20, 2013 7:59:27 AM
Hmmmm......the crickets are eating the donuts!
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I75at7AM
Champion Author
Dayton
Posts:66,505
Points:2,432,370
Joined:Feb 2006
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Message Posted: May 20, 2013 5:54:32 AM
It's Monday, will the cornfield come back to life?
I'll bring donuts.......that usually helps draw a crowd!
[Edited by: I75at7AM at 5/20/2013 8:58:11 AM EST]
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ladidaCA
Champion Author
Orange County
Posts:6,472
Points:933,470
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Message Posted: May 20, 2013 12:21:05 AM
hi jj and gOOd mOrning corn poppers;
jj, Org, Hemi, XXroc, 6642, 175, v8, sapd, Glori & Bigg
don - at least that is better than the plank
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6642337
Champion Author
Illinois
Posts:48,319
Points:1,885,470
Joined:Jun 2006
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Message Posted: May 17, 2013 6:00:22 AM
Q. How did the pirate stop smoking.
A. He used the patch.
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ladidaCA
Champion Author
Orange County
Posts:6,472
Points:933,470
Joined:Sep 2010
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Message Posted: May 17, 2013 2:56:39 AM
hi jj and gOOd mOrning corn poppers;
jj, Org, Hemi, XXroc, 6642, 175, v8, sapd, Glori & Bigg
jj - hi, hi
peek and run, the last two weeks lots of hours. part time job was 85.5 hrs on 2 weeks, plus the full time that had reduced hours. That is why I haven't stopped in for a swhile
Bigg - prayers for ya
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6642337
Champion Author
Illinois
Posts:48,319
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Joined:Jun 2006
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Message Posted: May 16, 2013 5:53:29 AM
Hi Corn Ears
Biggs. Hope you are all right
175; Hi
--------
A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass." "OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man? "I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"
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I75at7AM
Champion Author
Dayton
Posts:66,505
Points:2,432,370
Joined:Feb 2006
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Message Posted: May 16, 2013 5:30:44 AM
Hello Kernels,
Big Texas Twisters last night, lots of people hurt and killed, hope to hear from bigg that she is alright.
What does a tornado do to a cornfield?
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three30
Champion Author
Illinois
Posts:11,121
Points:318,925
Joined:Aug 2008
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Message Posted: May 16, 2013 5:04:30 AM
Hi cornfrtters,
I was in LaRose, IL the other day. There are 622 1/2 restaurants in LaRose but beware, you can only eat there if you can dance like Fred Astaire.
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6642337
Champion Author
Illinois
Posts:48,319
Points:1,885,470
Joined:Jun 2006
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Message Posted: May 14, 2013 6:05:26 AM
Hi Corn Ears
Biggs good one warm here today w/high of 90
Ladida; summer is here if I can just get the rain to stop again in the forcast for thur,fri, sat.
---
Traffic Cop
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyser tube for me."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to accompany me to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we'll take a urine sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright, then I need you to come out here and walk along this white line."
"I'm sorry, officer, but I definitely cannot do that."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
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ladidaCA
Champion Author
Orange County
Posts:6,472
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Message Posted: May 14, 2013 3:14:05 AM
hi jj and gOOd mOrning corn poppers;
jj, Org, Hemi, XXroc, 6642, 175, v8, sapd, Glori & Bigg
peek and run
way toooooooo hot, today almost 100, yesterday 94. where is that snow in the cornfield>
[Edited by: ladidaCA at 5/14/2013 6:14:48 AM EST]
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bigginTX
Champion Author
Texas
Posts:2,699
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Joined:Jun 2011
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Message Posted: May 13, 2013 12:57:54 PM
Good afternoon Corntastics!
Lovely weather in my part of the field today. Some parts fo the corn field still has flooding and even snow!
-----------
A woman tried to board a bus but her skirt was so tight that she couldn't make the step up.
So she reached behind her, lowered her zip and tried again. Still the skirt was too tight. So again she reached behind her, lowered her zip a little more and tried to negotiate the step. But still the skirt was too tight.
Determined to catch this bus, she once more reached behind her, lowered the zip a little and attempted to climb aboard. Then suddenly she felt two hands on her butt, helping her on to the bus.
She turned around angrily and told the man behind her: "Sir, I don't know you' well enough for you to behave in such a manner."
The man replied: "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times either!"
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xxrockitxx
Champion Author
Hartford
Posts:4,073
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Message Posted: May 12, 2013 12:31:15 PM
Happy Mothers Day to all.
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ladidaCA
Champion Author
Orange County
Posts:6,472
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Joined:Sep 2010
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Message Posted: May 12, 2013 11:09:01 AM
hi jj and gOOd mOrning corn poppers;
jj, Org, Hemi, XXroc, 6642, 175, v8, sapd, Glori & Bigg
jj - Happy Mother's Day wherever you are
Happy Mother's Day to all
remember to call your mother,if you can, without her, you would not be here
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xxrockitxx
Champion Author
Hartford
Posts:4,073
Points:142,130
Joined:Nov 2009
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Message Posted: May 10, 2013 9:07:10 AM
Hi corn peeps...
A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
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bigginTX
Champion Author
Texas
Posts:2,699
Points:336,965
Joined:Jun 2011
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Message Posted: May 10, 2013 8:04:30 AM
Hello Corntastics!
Well, it's just a peek and run sort of thread these days.
Enjoy your vacation, Don.
JJ, I hope you are having a a pleasant time off. :)
A peek and hello to Ladida, Izzy, Rockit, I-75.
---------------
In the early hours of the morning, two bats were hanging upside down in their cave. The first bat turned to the other and said: "How about getting some nice tasty blood for a late-night snack?"
"Where are we going to find blood at this time of night?" asked the other.
"I'll show you," said the first. "I"ll go myself."
An hour later, the first bat returned to the cave with blood dripping from this mouth.
"What happened to you?" said the second bat. "How did you get all that blood on you?"
"See that tree over there?"
"Yeah."
"Well, I didn't!"
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6642337
Champion Author
Illinois
Posts:48,319
Points:1,885,470
Joined:Jun 2006
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Message Posted: May 10, 2013 5:54:47 AM
HI Corn Ears
It's peek and run a couple of weeks for me
Need a vacation
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ladidaCA
Champion Author
Orange County
Posts:6,472
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Joined:Sep 2010
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Message Posted: May 10, 2013 2:50:58 AM
hi jj and gOOd mOrning corn poppers;
jj, Org, Hemi, XXroc, 6642, 175, v8, sapd, Glori & Bigg
peek and run
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bigginTX
Champion Author
Texas
Posts:2,699
Points:336,965
Joined:Jun 2011
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Message Posted: May 8, 2013 8:45:20 AM
Good morning Corntastics!
Great jokes from everyone, JJ will have plenty of great things to read when she returns. :)
-----------
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eys, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
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xxrockitxx
Champion Author
Hartford
Posts:4,073
Points:142,130
Joined:Nov 2009
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Message Posted: May 8, 2013 6:43:54 AM
Hey corn doodlers, what's going on with everyone?
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ray51
Champion Author
Cincinnati
Posts:5,332
Points:1,340,525
Joined:May 2005
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Message Posted: May 7, 2013 11:33:56 AM
Hello corn cobs....
The rain has stopped. And my lettuce crop is looking fine. I plan on having a nice salad today.
A blonde was waiting at a bus stop with a healthy looking pig under her arm. When the bus arrived, the driver asked, "Where did you get that?" The pig replied, "I won her in a raffle!"
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I75at7AM
Champion Author
Dayton
Posts:66,505
Points:2,432,370
Joined:Feb 2006
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Message Posted: May 7, 2013 7:45:20 AM
Good morning, furrow dwellers!
Don, I agree, she got what she axed for.
Here is another (from my same secret source)
Marriage Counseling
A couple came for counseling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, and feeling unloved.
The therapist walked around his desk, embraced her and kissed her passionately on the mouth.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least seven times a week. Do you think you can do this?"
The husband replied, "Well, Doc, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on the other days I play golf."
(See unclesnipe's avi pic today!)
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xxrockitxx
Champion Author
Hartford
Posts:4,073
Points:142,130
Joined:Nov 2009
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Message Posted: May 7, 2013 7:20:54 AM
Good morning all. Good weather continues here. Hope you're all having the same.
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6642337
Champion Author
Illinois
Posts:48,319
Points:1,885,470
Joined:Jun 2006
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Message Posted: May 7, 2013 6:06:52 AM
Corn Ears Hi
Biggs; That what happens when greed set in, very good joke
175; He did the right thing. It was her fault.
Ladida WAVE Peek
---
Three blondes died and are at the gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.
St. Peter asks the first blonde "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "oh, thats easy. It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together and eats turkey."
"Wrong" says St. Peter. He turns to the second blonde and asks her the same question.
She replies: "Easter is the holiday when we put up a tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
"Wrong", says St. Peter in disgust. He turns to the third blonde, and asks her the same question. "Do you know what Easter is?"
"Yes, I do" replied the blonde, "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in his side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues: "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out...and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
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bigginTX
Champion Author
Texas
Posts:2,699
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Joined:Jun 2011
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Message Posted: May 6, 2013 10:59:29 AM
Good afternoon Corntastics!
Good one I-75! Still the wife had a fun day thanks to her husband. :)
Don, what a misunderstanding! I can't imagine the look in the minister's face!
Ladida, I'm so glad that episode was not caught on tape. Biggin just loves to embarrass me at the vet's office but this last visit was the cake topper! As soon as we arrived home he returned to his normal, well behaved self. In fact, as I was relaying the experience to my father, I could swear Biggs smiled as he perked up his ears. He knows. That dog knows.
-----------------
A store that sells husbands has just opened in Ottawa where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?"
So up she goes. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love, kids. The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?"
And up she goes again. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more, further up!"
And again she heads up another flight. The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 -These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?"
So up to the sixth floor she goes. The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day.
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I75at7AM
Champion Author
Dayton
Posts:66,505
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Message Posted: May 6, 2013 6:49:30 AM
Good damp morning Kernels!
I offer this rib tickler for your Monday pleasure, since there is generally no pleasure to a Monday anyway:
Oh to be 6 Again
A man saw his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. "I'd like to be six again!" she said.
On the big day, he arose early, made her a bowl of Lucky Charms, then took her to Six Flags theme park. He put her on every ride in the park. Five hours later her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal and a chocolate shake. Finally they wobbled home and she collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "What was it like being six again??"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed, "I meant my dress size, you idiot."
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6642337
Champion Author
Illinois
Posts:48,319
Points:1,885,470
Joined:Jun 2006
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Message Posted: May 6, 2013 5:56:29 AM
Hi Corn Ears
Biggs; gooood joke or was that the truth?
No body has any corn in here all fields are un plowed. got 4" rain just in April already.
jj I hope you are having a good vacation.
Ladida; Wave. I know you got to keep your girlie figure so you got to slow down some days.lol (Just kidding)
----
Boyfriend
A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.
The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door.
When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
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three30
Champion Author
Illinois
Posts:11,121
Points:318,925
Joined:Aug 2008
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Message Posted: May 6, 2013 5:53:18 AM
Hi Joycie,
I was over in Carbon Hill, IL the other day. There were 1,000 people in the street. They were singin' songs and a carryin' signs. Most of the signs said "Hooray for our side".
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ladidaCA
Champion Author
Orange County
Posts:6,472
Points:933,470
Joined:Sep 2010
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Message Posted: May 5, 2013 8:38:03 PM
hi jj and gOOd mOrning corn poppers;
jj, Org, Hemi, XXroc, 6642, 175, v8, sapd, Glori & Bigg
Bigg - I wish you could have gotten a video of your dog and all. it would have won 1st place on America's funniest videos!
Don - sure, it sounds good. but some weeks are a little harder than others.
jj - does that mean we can't do 'ding, dong, ditch' at your front door?
wave, peak and run
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bigginTX
Champion Author
Texas
Posts:2,699
Points:336,965
Joined:Jun 2011
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Message Posted: May 5, 2013 2:45:38 PM
Good Sunday afternoon Corntastics!
I75, I did not know there was a Star Wars day. May The Force be with you. :)
Good jokes Don, keep 'em coming!
Peek and wave to you, Rockit!
It's pleasant in my end of field with temperatures in the 70's and a mild breeze. They have already planted corn here and there.
------------------------
A senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the guy.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening attire. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven."
So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."
He reflects for a minute, then the senator answers, "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...Today you voted for us!"
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6642337
Champion Author
Illinois
Posts:48,319
Points:1,885,470
Joined:Jun 2006
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Message Posted: May 5, 2013 6:08:21 AM
Corn Ears HI
----
A Bra
Wife: ???Give me some money. I want to buy a bra???.
Husband: ???Why? You have nothing to put in it!???
Wife: ???Well, You wear shorts!???
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I75at7AM
Champion Author
Dayton
Posts:66,505
Points:2,432,370
Joined:Feb 2006
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Message Posted: May 4, 2013 7:25:50 AM
Good Morning, Stalkers!
Besides Kentucky Derby Day, today is also Star Wars Day.
May The Fourth Be with You!
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6642337
Champion Author
Illinois
Posts:48,319
Points:1,885,470
Joined:Jun 2006
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Message Posted: May 4, 2013 6:36:10 AM
Calling all Corn Ears;zzro; nice to see you.
ladida; Wave peek run
JJ; hope you are enjoying your self.
Biggs; Good Dear Abby lines. I like the one about sex on his vCR.lol
Yes it's been cool here also w/ high of 48 yesterday. Still raining here this morning.
I guess no corn planting for a while.
---Head and Shoulders
A blonde and a burnett are catching up ofter having not seen each other for a while, the burnett says to the blonde, "I'm married to Kenny now."
The blonde replies, "Really, I used to date him. Isn't he the one with the really bad dandruf?"
"Yeah," answered the burnett, "but I fixed that, I gave him head and shoulders."
The blonde looked really confused and after a few moments asked, "How do you give Shoulders?"
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xxrockitxx
Champion Author
Hartford
Posts:4,073
Points:142,130
Joined:Nov 2009
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Message Posted: May 3, 2013 10:52:16 AM
Hey all you corn dogs. Have a great weekend....peek and run
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bigginTX
Champion Author
Texas
Posts:2,699
Points:336,965
Joined:Jun 2011
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Message Posted: May 3, 2013 8:36:00 AM
Good morning Corntastics!
Hello to JJ and enjoy your time off.. We'll care for the field and miss you, as well. Great bread puns, JJ! Very creative!
There, there, Izzy. *hands Izzy a tissue* We must strive to remain stationed and carry on for JJ.
Great vending machine joke, Don. The blonde thought she was on a great winning streak at the soda machine!
A 'Peek and Run' to Ladida. :)
Yesterday and today are ear flap hat days - cold and windy in my part of the cornfield. Brr!
Still, it's not snowing several inches as in other parts of the country.
Took my 13 year old Lab to the vet to have his nails trimmed yesterday. What a dramatic performance from him, he will surely win and Oscar.
He wouldn't walk in the door, then when I got him in the door and was greeted by the receptionist, he pooped in the floor! I wanted to die of embarrassment. I asked the lady for some paper towels and Lysol, but the lady insisted she take care of it. She was very cheerful.
Then, when the tech came to take Biggin (actually my dog's name) to the back for his pedicure, he hopped up on the bench and hid his head behind my back. He was shaking like a leaf. I petted him and then told him it was time to get his trim.
He got off the bench and put the brakes on immediately. He could not be budged. Then he laid down. I got a treat to try to tempt him into rising and following me to the back. He wasn't falling for it.
The ladies raised Biggs up and he still would not budge. Finally, one lady pushed him from behind while the other lady pulled his leash.
What a scene he made. And they STILL were kind enough to help me put him in the back of the truck (it has a topper) because his arthritis is such that he cannot climb so well anymore - except up on the sitting bench at the vet's office when he must get a trim!
Anyway, I have his nails trimmed because years ago I hurt him when trimming them myself. He yelped and bled and I cried and vowed never to hurt him again.
-------------------------
These are letters Dear Abby has admitted she was at a total loss to answer:
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher, and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?
I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is even his.
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again. Should I believe him?
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't, and he did it.
My mother is mean and short-tempered. Do you think she is going through her mental pause?
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he IS a doctor. What now?
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6642337
Champion Author
Illinois
Posts:48,319
Points:1,885,470
Joined:Jun 2006
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Message Posted: May 3, 2013 6:10:18 AM
Hi Corn Ears
Biggs; Good bloopers. I am slow in catching on some times
JJ; We will miss you but have a fun vacation.
Ray;What can I say? we will miss jj
Ladida; Wave Wave Peek and run
-----
Blonde Vending Machine
A blonde is standing in front of a soda machine outside a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine.
She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button. Suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!
She continues to do this until a man waiting to use the machine becomes impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever you are doing?"
The blonde turns around and says, "No chance! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm winning!"
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ray51
Champion Author
Cincinnati
Posts:5,332
Points:1,340,525
Joined:May 2005
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Message Posted: May 1, 2013 10:10:42 PM
Hello corn cobs.
JJ, enjoy your vacation. We'll hold down the cornfield while you're gone.
Oh, who am I fooling ?? I'm gonna miss you JJ !!! Love ya.
::: wipes away the tears :::
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justjoycie
Champion Author
Illinois
Posts:11,878
Points:320,000
Joined:May 2007
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Message Posted: May 1, 2013 3:31:45 PM
HAPPPY may corn cobs!
wow don't show up for a few days and LOOK what everyone has said.
don-well, i'm NOT sure IF the sunday driving little old lady WAS a blonde,
i've colored MY hair a couple of different shades over the years. i guess i would say the little old lady sunday driver NOW is blonde, but i heard that expression decades ago, so i'm not sure if the "lady" in that expression was blonde! never mind, the MORE i try to explain myself, the goofier i sound!
i LIKED the joke with "had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!!!" LOL!!!
bigg-you got me with the potato sack joke, i was believing it until just about the end. LOL
hopefully driving through the road construction won't go on forever!
i enjoyed the bloopers, thanks for sharing them, they were very funny.
three30, sorry but i haven't a clue what bread on your mind is about.
were you trying to rise a lot of dough? were you looking for someone on the YEAST side of town? did you used to sing BREAD songs?
I found her diary underneath a tree.
And started reading about me....
Baby, I'm-a want you
Baby, I'm-a need you.....
You sheltered me from harm.
Kept me warm, kept me warm....
just a couple of my favorites.
ladida-wave wave back at you.
i am tired just reading allll the hours you work!
well, like i have told my kids, do it WHILE you are young, because it gets harder and harder who you get older and then work can just take over your life and WHO wants their tombstone to read.....
she was a great worker for our company.
(not beloved something family type)
i hope your little garden grows well. (:
don-WOW you sounded like you were ordering everyone alll over the place! (
cracking that whip are you?
I75-thanks for stopping by, it's always good to see you.
good luck with your garage sale AND your garden when you start it.
maybe you can SELL something for people's gardens??!
some type of insect is eating the leaves on my morning glories that i planted. some leaves look ok and others have "holes" in them.
stupid bugs!!!
the wild flowers aren't so "wild" as they are these tiny little green sprouts that better hurry up and show me some flowers!
ok, corn fritters, just to let everyone know.....
i am going away for a while on a vacation/rest type thing and i will not have access to the internet from there so i won't be here for a few weeks.
hopefully for the next few days i'll be able to pop in and feel free to keep sending your jokes, once i DO get back i will enjoy reading them all.
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bigginTX
Champion Author
Texas
Posts:2,699
Points:336,965
Joined:Jun 2011
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Message Posted: May 1, 2013 10:44:35 AM
Good afternoon Corntastics!
I'm sorry Don, it was a silly algebra joke. :)
I was not good at algebra at all.
Ladida you have calmed my concerns about your health. :)
JJ! Where are you? Perhaps she planting her garden.
------------
CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS
*Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
*The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
*Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands!
*The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
*Remember in prayer the many who are sick in our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
*Don't l et worry kill you off - let the Church help.
*Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
*For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs..
*Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
*The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
*Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
*A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.. Music will follow.
*At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
*Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
*Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
*The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
*Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
*The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
*Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
*Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
*The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
*Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church Please use large double door at the side entrance.
*The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
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6642337
Champion Author
Illinois
Posts:48,319
Points:1,885,470
Joined:Jun 2006
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Message Posted: May 1, 2013 6:09:27 AM
Hi Corn ears
Biggs; What kind of words are you talking about? Those are to high for me to understand. You got to remember I am from the old school at a 8 grade level.
You got to plant a garden in pots and put on the north side of a building with a roof over them. a lot of plants will grow without a lot of sun.
Now get to it.lol
Ladida. Boy you got it made work when you want and then complain that you got to work 3 jobs.lol
175; You got to spent less time on the computor and more time outside.Haha
Three 30 Still cant find you way out of IL.
JJ; Don't make me come and get you. I hate to drive all the way up there.
---
Traffic Cop
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyser tube for me."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to accompany me to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we'll take a urine sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright, then I need you to come out here and walk along this white line."
"I'm sorry, officer, but I definitely cannot do that."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
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ladidaCA
Champion Author
Orange County
Posts:6,472
Points:933,470
Joined:Sep 2010
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Message Posted: Apr 30, 2013 11:42:52 PM
hi jj and gOOd mOrning corn pops;
jj, Org, Hemi, XXroc, 6642, 175, v8, sapd, Glori & Bigg
it's not as bad as it sounds. This week I work only at one of the part time jobs. The full time job I am self employed, (a Realtor) so I work when I schedule it. It basically means I work a 55+ hour week at different places. And I take vitamins and get the sleep I need. The other part time job is on a off week. Works out great!
just planted some green onions today and started some tomatoe seeds. Going to plant bell peppers tommarrow.
wave, wave
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bigginTX
Champion Author
Texas
Posts:2,699
Points:336,965
Joined:Jun 2011
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Message Posted: Apr 30, 2013 10:11:52 AM
Good afternoon Corntastics!
Three, you need to Find Somebody To Love. :)
I-75, always good to see you. You'll get your garden in order, it's been a lingering winter.
I envy folks who can have a garden. In Kempner only field grass and cedar grows. Well, you CAN 'grow' vegetables, those that live are very small. Don't believe that everything is bigger in Texas. Just a few miles to the east folks have successful gardens, it's just that in Kempner the soil is hard, dry clay. Rocks grow very well.
A raised box garden you suggest? The constant heat and hot winds take care of that in short order. We've tried. Pots too.
Ladida, Don is right. I knew a lady who once had three jobs, she worked at the company full time and also two part timers, like you. She never got anything done despite all the energy and attention she paid. She also cleaned her parent's home and mowed their yard once a week. I don't know when she slept.
------------------
This is a very serious threat, particularly for young people. Please take extra precautions in your lives. Please also share this important information with your friends, so that no harm comes to them too.
At Toronto's Pearson airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, and a calculator. Justice Minister Ann McLelland believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed. They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like "x" and "y", and, although they are frequently referred to as "unknowns", we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the great Greek philanderer isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every angle, and if God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.
Therefore, I'm extremely grateful that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are so willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. These statistic evil-doers love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence.
Under the circumferences, it's time we differentiated their root, made our point, and drew the line. These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex. As an American President would say, Read my ellipse.
Here is one principle he is uncertainty of---though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered and the hypotenuse will tighten around their necks.
[Edited by: bigginTX at 4/30/2013 1:14:24 PM EST]
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three30
Champion Author
Illinois
Posts:11,121
Points:318,925
Joined:Aug 2008
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Message Posted: Apr 30, 2013 6:00:27 AM
Hi cornfritters,
When I was up in Baker, IL the other day, my mind was so full of bread.
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6642337
Champion Author
Illinois
Posts:48,319
Points:1,885,470
Joined:Jun 2006
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Message Posted: Apr 30, 2013 5:51:30 AM
Hi Corn Ears
Bigg; That had me going till the end. Boy how dumb of me to think anyone could lift 100 lbs of potatos in each hand. Good joke
Ladida; You keep working 3 jobs it will make you old before your time.
jj; Time to show up today.lol
175; get that garden in. I got mine in 20 broccoli 16 cabbage plants plan on putting only 4 tomatoes in will wait till mothers day when frost is gone for the year.
----
The Honeymoon
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum!"
"Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!"
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I75at7AM
Champion Author
Dayton
Posts:66,505
Points:2,432,370
Joined:Feb 2006
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Message Posted: Apr 30, 2013 5:17:37 AM
Good morning Poppers! Yes, I am seldom "here" but actually I am here every day reading Don's jokes. Izzy's too.
Ladida, you are crazier than I am with that schedule!
I am starting to feel guilty that I have not touched my garden yet.
It has been too wet but new we get mid-70's all week and no rain in the forecast, I wish I had stuff planted!
The next major project is to clean out the garage and basement, in coordination with the last garage sale we will ever have. The reason is that we are going to sell everything we want to get rid of or else give it away.
The garden project is just sort of there, over there, in the far side of the yard, festering with weeds. Sigh.....
[Edited by: I75at7AM at 4/30/2013 8:19:07 AM EST]
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ladidaCA
Champion Author
Orange County
Posts:6,472
Points:933,470
Joined:Sep 2010
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Message Posted: Apr 30, 2013 5:05:38 AM
hi jj and gOOd mOrning corn pops;
jj, Org, Hemi, XXroc, 6642, 175, v8, sapd, Glori & Bigg
jj - good morning. wave, wave. Yes I work 3 jobs, 2 part time and one full time. The two part timers are on call and this week one is for 8 days straight 6am to noon. (normally it is two days a week)
Don - wave, wave to you too
Org - gOOd mOrning where ever you are
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bigginTX
Champion Author
Texas
Posts:2,699
Points:336,965
Joined:Jun 2011
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Message Posted: Apr 29, 2013 10:53:40 AM
Good afternoon Corntastics!
Back at the office. I really enjoy my job and co workers, but the traffic getting out of town 40 miles west of the office is becoming worse, not to mention the additional road construction projects. Ugh.
Here's physical fitness advice!
------------
For those of us getting along in years, here is a little secret for building your arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this regimen. Three days a week works well.
Begin by standing straight, with a 5-LB. potato sack in each hand.
Extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can - try to reach a full minute. Relax.
After a few weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sacks, and then 50-LB. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-LB. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight out for more than a full minute.
After you feel confident at that level, start putting a couple of potatoes in each of the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it.
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6642337
Champion Author
Illinois
Posts:48,319
Points:1,885,470
Joined:Jun 2006
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Message Posted: Apr 29, 2013 5:53:54 AM
Morning All Corn EarsJJ: I like Avatar picture of you and friend.You look stunning.
I got your old lady driving! you mean little old blonde lady pokes around and cause traffic jams. Get off the road.lol
Org been working and doesn't get time to visit here.
Ladida; Wavw,Wave, Have a good day
Biggs: Vacation over. Lets get back to the routine Dear. A peck for you
Ray,175 musta got lost
----
Putting the cat out
A couple was going out for the evening to celebrate the wife's birthday. While they were getting ready, the husband put the cat out.
The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of their home, the cat shot back into the house.
Not wanting their cat to have free run of the house while they were out, the husband went back upstairs to chase the cat out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband got into the car, and said, "Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"
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justjoycie
Champion Author
Illinois
Posts:11,878
Points:320,000
Joined:May 2007
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Message Posted: Apr 27, 2013 5:16:02 PM
good evening corn frittes.
don-well, GOOD to know at least ONE married man drunk or not,
KEPT his pants on!!!
well, april will be over soon and then comes may flowers.
actually some purple and blue morning glories i planted are coming up.
the wild flowers i planted are little tiny green things still.
enjoy the weekend everyone.
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6642337
Champion Author
Illinois
Posts:48,319
Points:1,885,470
Joined:Jun 2006
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Message Posted: Apr 27, 2013 6:15:38 AM
Hi all corn Ears
---
The Happy HangoverJack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"
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justjoycie
Champion Author
Illinois
Posts:11,878
Points:320,000
Joined:May 2007
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Message Posted: Apr 26, 2013 11:25:07 AM
good afternoon corn nuggets.
don-yep it's a pain in the butt when you sit STARING at the computer screen
waiting and waiting and then nothing.
but it's alllll fixed now.
what did we allll do before using the internet??!!!
i do not like driving fast at all. i'm an old lady sunday driver. (:
omg!!! that janet jackson joke was hilarious!!!
ladida-are you working two jobs?
has anyone heard from org lately?
anyone living in the southwest(ok,texas & ar) be careful possible tornadoes this weekend which will be going into the southern states-tenn, miss. first rain and storms and possible bad weather!
take care everyone.
i have my canoe on stand by JUST in case more rain comes my way. (:
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